Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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