I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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