So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
