I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
