the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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