thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
