No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
