When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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