I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
