Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
