I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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