When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
