Your mouth is God's brothel.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
