my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm both gender and math confused
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