Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
