carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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