i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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