Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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