just tell him i said nine months
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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