When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
