P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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