if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
