Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
