Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
