There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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