i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
