I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize