Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
