i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
