A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
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