I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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