you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
