white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
