Cold hands, warm shart.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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