Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
