So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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