nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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