I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
