i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
