Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
