I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
