Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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