Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
