there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
