the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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