if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
