i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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