im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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