god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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