You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
