I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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