Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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