that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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