Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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