11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
