I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize