it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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