Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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