oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
