I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
