As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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