I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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