and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
