you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
