Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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