One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
