I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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