he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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