Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
