when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
