so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
