Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
