I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
